When your gut tells you something isn't right.....go with it. Mine was screaming at me telling me that things were all wrong. I wish I was strong enough at that point just to move on, but I wasn't I was pregnant and terrified. I was convinced I would never be able to do it on my own. I guess at that point it didn't click with me that I had been doing it all alone for the past 4 years I just couldn't see it. I did everything I could to be a better wife but nothing was ever good enough. I spent many nights crying and many days trying. I put up with way more than most would. I loved him, but I should have known that you can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. When I realized that I started to become stronger. With each new blow I got stronger and stronger. Until finally I said enough.
Calling it quits was a hard decision for me. I never wanted to get married, have kids, then get divorced. I don't think anyone does but unfortunately it happens way to often these days. It took me another few months to truly know that I was making the right decision. I went through the motions of being a good wife while I made a plan. I started living again. I realized that over the last 6 years I gave up so much. I gave up friends and being a normal person. I lived to stay home and make my husband happy and in return I wasn't happy.
When you come to the realization that you just aren't happy its like hitting a brick wall. There was no going back. Thankfully I have an amazing support system, they helped me through so much. I have the most amazing family and friends anyone could ever ask for! If it weren't for them and their help, kind words, and encouragement I don't know if I could have done it!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Going Through The Motions.....
Life seemed to return to normal (as normal as it can be) for a few weeks. I was on cloud nine being pregnant again and my husband truly seemed excited about having another baby and was so sorry for what he did. I thought okay this was a one time mistake, he loves me everyone makes mistakes right? On July 4th something didn't feel right- I went to the ER and was told I had lost the baby. I cried the whole way back to the campground, I laid in bed that night and my husband decided to tell me he was relieved. Talk about a whole new wave of pain....I went through the next few weeks numb, terrified about my marriage, devastated over losing a baby and just not feeling good about myself!
That year my birthday fell on a Friday, it was also the day I was scheduled to go back to the doctors for my re-check after my miscarriage. I dreaded it. When I got there they decided to take a pregnancy test to make sure my numbers had fallen, they hadn't! They ended up giving me an ultrasound and found a strong beating heart! From that day on he was dubbed the miracle baby in our house!
When I shared the news with my husband he was mad. He no longer wanted another baby, every time I would get sick he would say "good you wanted this." He was heartless. I was sick from morning sickness but the stress made it so much worse. I ended up in the hospital for fluids a few times and he acted like he could care less.
In August, things went south again. He had to go into work early and told me he was going to the zoo with a male co-worker.....what a dumb lie have you ever seen two grown men go to the zoo together? It came out that he was with the other woman again....scared and sick I listened as he begged for forgiveness told me he was so sorry and he would never do it again and loved me more than anything.....and of course I fell for it.
I told him the only way he was coming back was if he started therapy again and we went to couples counseling together. He agreed and that started the weekly sessions of hashing things out. I truly thought we were on the road to recovery. His attitude still wasn't great but to me it seemed like it was getting better....... Oh how I was wrong........
That year my birthday fell on a Friday, it was also the day I was scheduled to go back to the doctors for my re-check after my miscarriage. I dreaded it. When I got there they decided to take a pregnancy test to make sure my numbers had fallen, they hadn't! They ended up giving me an ultrasound and found a strong beating heart! From that day on he was dubbed the miracle baby in our house!
When I shared the news with my husband he was mad. He no longer wanted another baby, every time I would get sick he would say "good you wanted this." He was heartless. I was sick from morning sickness but the stress made it so much worse. I ended up in the hospital for fluids a few times and he acted like he could care less.
In August, things went south again. He had to go into work early and told me he was going to the zoo with a male co-worker.....what a dumb lie have you ever seen two grown men go to the zoo together? It came out that he was with the other woman again....scared and sick I listened as he begged for forgiveness told me he was so sorry and he would never do it again and loved me more than anything.....and of course I fell for it.
I told him the only way he was coming back was if he started therapy again and we went to couples counseling together. He agreed and that started the weekly sessions of hashing things out. I truly thought we were on the road to recovery. His attitude still wasn't great but to me it seemed like it was getting better....... Oh how I was wrong........
Saturday, January 25, 2014
The Beginning Of The End.....
We had been fighting over stupid little things all day, what to have for dinner, what time we were going to leave to go home from our weekend away, and most of all his poor attitude.....He had always had a grouchy side but looking back on it now he was even worse the few weeks prior. We got home and he automatically starts complaining about the laundry situation, the lack of food in the house and the kids running crazy. I gave him that look that says really is life really that bad that all you can do is be a jerk.......and that's when he came clean. "You think things are okay, really well guess what there's someone else." Automatically I felt like I had been sucker punched, the wind knocked out of me and thought that I could quite possibly faint.
Most women would have left right then and there, but not me. I stayed to try and make my marriage work, to make the man that I was so madly in love with. Little did I know that, that night would be the beginning of the end of my marriage. I was heartbroken but determined to show him that I was still the girl he fell in love with. I tried everything and it would work for a little while and then all fall apart again. The worst part was the day after he "came clean" we found out we were having our 3rd baby. What a slap in the face to be sitting on the couch in tears with the pastor from the local church trying to save our marriage when we should have been celebrating a new addition to our family.
That night we as laid in bed we started talking about the future and everything that it had in store for us and with that I became a little hopeful that maybe just maybe we could make this work and be amazing again. I tried my hardest, he called his home-wrecker friend to tell her his wife was pregnant and that he no longer had a desire to see her, she begged and pleaded told him I was a bad wife for getting myself pregnant. I had, had enough I took the phone and told her to leave our family alone and with that the words flew out of her mouth....."I'm going to be the mother to your children" I became irate, I said "like hell you are, you leave my family alone and don't ever speak to MY husband again" she replied back "if you leave him I will buy you a house and a camper." How incredibly stupid did she think I was you could not buy my husband from me. At the time we were living in a rental house that had major issues almost monthly and I really wanted a place of our own, my husband didn't want any big commitments, now looking back on it he didn't want anything tying "us" together. The whole time they were together he was telling her how I was a spoiled wife who wanted nothing more from him than his money. He told her that he was just a "cash-cow" to me. That was so far from the truth. I never asked for anything, I wore his ex wives clothes when I was pregnant with our first too because we were so broke we couldn't afford new maternity clothes. Everything we had came from his first marriage and I never complained. All I asked was for a house that we could call our own.
The warning signs had all been there his attitude alone should have clued me in that something was majorly wrong. I could do no right in his eyes because he had this beautiful skinny home-wrecker who never had any babies and who's body was still "perfect" in his eyes. Its a tough pill to swallow hearing those words "there's someone else" but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In writing this blog I hope to help others heal and know that life does go on.
Most women would have left right then and there, but not me. I stayed to try and make my marriage work, to make the man that I was so madly in love with. Little did I know that, that night would be the beginning of the end of my marriage. I was heartbroken but determined to show him that I was still the girl he fell in love with. I tried everything and it would work for a little while and then all fall apart again. The worst part was the day after he "came clean" we found out we were having our 3rd baby. What a slap in the face to be sitting on the couch in tears with the pastor from the local church trying to save our marriage when we should have been celebrating a new addition to our family.
That night we as laid in bed we started talking about the future and everything that it had in store for us and with that I became a little hopeful that maybe just maybe we could make this work and be amazing again. I tried my hardest, he called his home-wrecker friend to tell her his wife was pregnant and that he no longer had a desire to see her, she begged and pleaded told him I was a bad wife for getting myself pregnant. I had, had enough I took the phone and told her to leave our family alone and with that the words flew out of her mouth....."I'm going to be the mother to your children" I became irate, I said "like hell you are, you leave my family alone and don't ever speak to MY husband again" she replied back "if you leave him I will buy you a house and a camper." How incredibly stupid did she think I was you could not buy my husband from me. At the time we were living in a rental house that had major issues almost monthly and I really wanted a place of our own, my husband didn't want any big commitments, now looking back on it he didn't want anything tying "us" together. The whole time they were together he was telling her how I was a spoiled wife who wanted nothing more from him than his money. He told her that he was just a "cash-cow" to me. That was so far from the truth. I never asked for anything, I wore his ex wives clothes when I was pregnant with our first too because we were so broke we couldn't afford new maternity clothes. Everything we had came from his first marriage and I never complained. All I asked was for a house that we could call our own.
The warning signs had all been there his attitude alone should have clued me in that something was majorly wrong. I could do no right in his eyes because he had this beautiful skinny home-wrecker who never had any babies and who's body was still "perfect" in his eyes. Its a tough pill to swallow hearing those words "there's someone else" but there is light at the end of the tunnel. In writing this blog I hope to help others heal and know that life does go on.
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